Well, that is our show for this week. We’ll be back next week with more Tomorrow. And as always I wish you and your family the very best …

… even though we both know what’s going to happen.

… even though the things that are coming up ahead, the things that are about to happen to you and the people you love, will be horrible. Quite horrible, indeed.

… even though a tragic event awaits you.

… despite the hardships that await you down the road.

… even though something horrible will befall you in the very near future.

… but dark times are ahead, so take shelter.

… but you know what’s going to happen and I know what’s going to happen. So why are we beating around the bush?

… although what’s coming for you and your family is the very worst, and it’s going to be, it’s going to be awful. And, um, I’m very sorry.

… although I had a phone conversation with someone last night, and the things they described to me about what is going to happen to your family sound very dire, indeed. So, I hope that all works out.

… although I’ve just gotten off the phone with your family, and “the very best” isn’t how I’d describe what they were telling me.

… but that’s just not going to be the case.

… I know you’re going to have a great time this July 4^th. Oh wait, actually but when you hear this July 4^th weekend will be over. And that’s good, because the tragedy that’s going to befall your family and those surrounding your family will have already happened and you’ll probably have come to terms—you’re out of shock—and ready to deal with what’s next. And that’s a good, great thing.

… and I want you to be with your family. I want you to hold your family close. I want you to tell your family that you love them.

… no matter who they vote for.

… although I understand a disease is being designed that is going to wipe them out.

… and here’s hoping they don’t end up in very cold water somewhere in the ocean.

… and I sincerely hope none of them are harvested.

… although they’re being watched and recorded right now.

… no matter how far into the valley they get and how dark the valley will become.

… despite the terrible financial crisis that is about to befall them.

… and I hope they don’t work themselves to death on this Labor Day.

… although I just received a phone call, and I don’t know if the very best is possible anymore.

… despite the torrent of viral videos that are being delivered to their Twitter feed right now.

… did I say your family? Well, what used to be your family.

… although I understand your family has clicked on some internet links, and now they have no money.

… though I have mobilized an army of 4chan-ers to terrorize them in every way humanly possible.

… your family, who are planning a tremendous surprise birthday party for you, with lots of gifts and lots of your nearest and dearest friends. Except one of the people isn’t your friend. One of the people is there to hurt you.

… though they are drowning in a sea of Bogle and you need to help them right now.

… but I have to say I am watching your family, and I’m waiting, waiting for the right moment. You won’t know when, you won’t know where, but it’s coming.

… though I’m told they’re driving very fast and very furiously down the road, and they’re losing control of the vehicle.

… although it’s going to be tough to make it out there in the wasteland without power armor.

… on this wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, and I’m absolutely certain that nothing bad will happen to you or the people you love.

… although your family is all jacked into an Oculus Rift right now, and they’re never coming back.

… though it’s unfortunate: their part of the Marvel universe is ending.

… your family, who lives on Alderaan.

… even though there’s a … a fray on the wire that connects your Christmas tree lights to the outlet and some dry debris near it, and anything could happen. I’m sure it will be fine, but, my God, that could be a terrible fire.

… though I’ve just gotten an NYC bird alert that something horrible is coming this way.

… although I understand that Shifty Shellshock from Crazy Town has just come to your house and is currently doing an a cappella version of “Butterfly”.

… although I understand that they’re driving down a lonely road, and the battery is almost empty, and there’s not a charger in sight.

… but I fear they’ve been impregnated with an alien that’s about to burst violently out of their chest.

… though I understand your teens have decided to start their own talk show, and I think we all know where that leads.

… but I understand that the Kinnect has been switched on, and it’s watching you, and waiting, and I don’t like what the Kinnect is thinking about doing.

… but I fear that in Trump’s America, the very best will be the very worst.

… though I understand that Slimer just showed up at your house, and Slimer is acting really, really racist.

… although I understand they’ve been taken hostage by some men with some very thick Brooklyn accents.

… though I understand that your children, who were once liberals, are now conservatives, and your conservative children are now liberals.

… though unfortunately for you and your family, the American dream has just driven away in a Tesla Model 3.

… though I understand that Captain Barnacles has taken your family deep, deep under sea and is doing an investigation right now.

… though I understand that Taylor Swift is at your house, and she wants your family to be part of her squad forever.

… but, unfortunately for your family, they’re on the other side of Donald Trump’s wall, so the very best is going to be very hard to come by for them.

… though a story’s just been posted about your family on Gawker, and it’s very bad. Very, very bad.

… though I just read a story in US Weekly about your wife and Ashton Kutcher, and it was pretty graphic.

… though your family has just become a trending topic on Facebook, and it wasn’t curated.

… though I’ve just been informed that Pennsylvania’s army has invaded New York state, so it’s likely your family is dead or dying.

… unfortunately your family is now embroiled in a long, complicated, disturbing war with an alien race that they can’t possibly understand.

… but let’s be honest: who knows what’s going to happen in the next weeks and months, so just do the best you can.

… but unfortunately for you, your family is out gender-bending, and you’re standing at the ballot box trying to vote for Trump.

… though I understand your family has just found the Slimer stickers on Peach, and they’re sending you a message right now.

… though your racist, xenophobic, isolationist family just Brexit-ed, and I’m afraid they’re not coming back.

… though I’ve been informed that your family is part of the real Illuminati and they are conspiring against all of humanity in an elaborate scheme to disrupt and undermine everything that we stand for as human beings … or, they’re just riffing.

… though I’ve just learned that in this economic experiment your family has two dollars, and they’re not going to be in last place if they can help it.

… though I understand your family has ventured out to capture some Pokémon and been brutally murdered by a gang of ruffians. Well, that’s life, isn’t it?

… although I understand that your family is involved in a black magic sex ritual with reptilian shape shifters, and Putin is in the mix.

… though your family is all hopped up on P90X, and they may never come down.

… though I’ve just been informed by a writer at Gawker that your family has not changed their jacket in more than seventeen months, and that is just fucking gross.

… though I just had a vision of your family in a world where no one was woke, and it was a very startling and upsetting vision, indeed.

… although I understand that your family is an exclusive on Apple Music, and there’s no telling when they’ll be released … to Spotify.

… although your family has been lured into very large traps where peanut butter was the bait, and I fear they will never escape.

… but unfortunately they’ve all been drinking a lot of seltzer and now they’re all like Mr. Glass, the villain from M. Night Shyamalan’s underrated, but still deeply loved, Unbreakable.

… though unfortunately your family has been misbehaving, and I’m going to have to use corporal punishment.

… though I just received a report that your family’s been hacked by a four-hundred pound man on a bed, and it’s not looking good.

… though, unfortunately, your family has just Brexited along with Pepe the Frog and Peter Thiel.

… though I understand that your familiy’s just gone mega-vi and their mentions are really out of control.

… though I understand that several members of your family are trapped in their virtual reality underwear while it’s buffering and that’s causing heinous, heinous damage to their genitals.

… but unfortunately your family is being fed sleeping pills by the Illuminati so they can secretly apply lipkits to them.

… though your family has just discovered your sessions with Master Gabriel and is very disappointed they haven’t been invited to be your dungeon monitor.

… but, uh, I’ve just been told that Trump has won the presidency of the United States of America and so your family’s in bad, bad trouble.

… but I got to tell you, it’s going to be very, very difficult for your family to get the very best given the situation this country’s in.

… though I’ve just been informed by legal that your family has ordered the boat, but they’ve forgotten the straws.

… but, let’s be honest, Donald Trump has been president for, like, ten days, and it’s very clear that no one is getting the very best.

… though, not unlike Trump, your family has also been spurned by Candice Bergen, and they’re feeling pretty bad right now.

… though I’ve just heard that tomorrow is street cleaning day, so I think something very bad is in store for you.

… but, unfortunately, your family is involved in a very long and complicated lawsuit with the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump, and there’s no telling how long it will go on or how much they will spend litigating.

… though I’ve just learned that your family have all become subscribers to Pew Die Pie’s channel, which means you have to leave your family now.

… though I just have heard that your family is missing the red Joycon to their Switch, which means that only little Timmy can play.

… though I understand your family is being held against their will by powerful witchcraft, which is a very bad situation for you.

… though I understand a billionaire has just decided to kill them, and he’s definitely going to get away with it.

… except that Comcast has sold their information to the Trump administration, and it’s only a matter of time.

… but, unfortunately, I’ve just found out that an edge lord on Centipede Central has made your family into an extremely dank meme, and now they’ve been publicaly shamed all across Twitter.

… though, unfortunately, your family is on one instance of Mastadon, and you’re on a different instance of Mastadon, and so it’s really kind of impossible to know how they’re doing at this point.

… though I’ve just received word that your family is no longer capable of being objective, and therefore all debates have become quite difficult.

… though I’ve just heard that your family’s pull request was rejected because eslint has failed.

… though I’ve just heard that your family has runner’s diarrhea, and no one can figure out why.

… though I understand your family is staying at a hotel and William Turner is waiting outside to take their picture and put it on a website.

… though I’ve just been told that season one of your family has just ended, and HBO hasn’t said yet whether they would renew it for season two.

… though I’ve just been told that your family has attended a U.N. meeting, and, due to their filthy coal habit, they’ve been received very, very poorly.

… though I’ve just been told that your family has been invited to lunch at Bernie Madoff’s house, and he said there was a monkey, but there is no monkey.

… but, you know, your family’s washed up on a shore, Bernard is looking down at them; we can’t really tell, like, does he understand what they are? Has he seen a family before? Hopefully we’ll get a chance to discuss that soon.

… but I’ve just been told that your familiy’s been shot … exclusively with Dutch angles in the sequel to Battlefield Earth.

… but unfortunately for you you’ll have to inform your family that there is no God and no order in this world, and the only faith that we make is our own.

… though, unfortunately, your family has just invested in bobblereviews.net, and it’s not doing that well.

… though it turns out your family are all replicants, and none of them can have babies.

… though I’ve just been told that your family’s been using an exfoliant, and it’s not made from what they think it’s made from.

… though I’ve just learned that your entire family is using the Punkt MP01 and they don’t have access to the T-Mobile 2G network.

… but it’s almost Thanksgiving, so that’s pretty much a non-starter.

… though I understand they’ve been dunked slowly—and, frankly, sensually—into an ice hole by Mark Zuckeerg, and that’s a real shame.

… though I’ve just discovered that your family was responsible for making Snoke’s robes, and now they’ve got to find a new business to get into, and that’s really sad.

… though I have just been informed that your family uploaded their brains to the computer, but the files are all password-protected and nobody knows the password.

… though I have just been given the data dump on their quizzes and I’ve got to tell you: they’re all Trump supporters, and they want him to build the wall.

… though I’ve just checked eBay, and your family’s been ripped off hundreds, if not thousands, of times, and no one really knows who did it.

… though I’ve just been told that your family has been subjected to 24 hours straight of Ricky Gervais comedy, and as a result they’re functionally braindead.

… though I’ve just been told that your family is staying at a hotel, even though your family has a house? So, that can’t be good.

… but let’s be honest, your family does not have the kind of presence to make them as good or famous as a Beyoncé.

… though I’ve just learned that your family has fired their manager and logged back into Twitter.

… but, unfortunately, Thanos got your family. Let’s hope the Avengers’ next film can save them.

… though I’ve just learned that your family has taken a trip to Fucktown, USA, and Henry Winkler is there.

… though I understand your family has just encountered the trained apes from War for the Planet of the Apes, and things aren’t going well.

… though I’ve just been told that your family’s been acquired by Disney, and they are going to put them in the park.

… though I understand that your family is all soloing with John Meyer, and the licks are just not that good.

… though I’ve just been told that your family is marrying Pete Davidson without a prenup, and I’ve got news for you: that’s going to be real, real messy.

… though I’ve just received an invite from your family’s improv troupe, and I don’t think it’s going to be good.

… and I really hope, for their sake—and for yours—that we can pull through this fucking nightmare and get on the other side, and be smoking weed and drinking mimosas and talking about shoes instead of smoking weed, drinking mimosas and talking about death camps.

… but I just heard that they went into a cave! Why would you let them go into a cave, you idiot?

… though I’ve just learned that Owen Davian has targeted your family and currently is holding them in an anonymous building in Shanghai, and he wants what he wants right now.

… though I have just been informed that your family is publishing a tell-all memoir, and they are not omitting anything.

… though I’ve just looked at their follower count on Twitter and Instagram, and it’s pretty bad.

… though I was just strolling through Central Park, and, uh … your family was there, ok? They were there.

… but I’ve just learned that your family is in the middle. Why can’t you just meet them in the middle?

… though I understand your family just tried to do the snoot challenge, and the dog did not put its nose through the hole.

… though I understand that your family has just logged on and has become part of the Resistance.

… but, unfortunately, I’ve just been told that your family has jacked into the matrix on their Ono Sendei Cyberdeck and has hit some nasty black ice.

… though I’ve just been told that your family was going to be announced at Apple’s event and, for some strange reason, were removed from the schedule. So, we don’t know when we’re going to see them.

… though I understand your family is going to be the subject of a new DC black label comic, and some very bad things happen to them.

… though I’ve just seen some live video that Lindsay Lohan is trying to “rescue” your family, and things aren’t going too well.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family has won an American music award, and literally nobody gives a shit.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family has taken a DNA test, and … they’re not humans.

… though I understand your family has been in a very small room with Ryan for several hours, and now they’ve all got the flu.

… though I think your family just took Alec Baldwin’s parking space, so they’re fucking dead.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family is completely out of money and will be forced to go on tour with the Spice Girls.

… though I’ve just been informed that Sheryl Sandberg has been funding an opposition research campaign against your family and uh … well, I didn’t realize that Soros gave them so much money.

… though I’ve just been told that your family is being cooked and stuffed and eaten for this holiday, which is very depressing and sad, but I guess, you know, that’s what you get for marrying a turkey.

… though I’ve just heard that Thanos is coming for your family, and I don’t mean to do the snap.

… though I have just received word that your family is on that sub with Sonic.

… although I’ve just been told that your family is on the naughty list. And I’m not talking about Santa’s list.

… although I’ve just heard that the God-creature Mary Poppins has arrived at your home, and she’d like to discuss Subarus.

… though I’ve just been informed that the Republicans have gotten your family’s tape, and it is not of them dancing.

… though I’ve just received word that your familiy’s CES award has also been revoked, for exactly the same reasons as the sex toy.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family has reinstalled Twitter on their phones.

… though I’ve just looked at Twitter and I’ve seen that your family announced their run for the presidency in 2020, and apparently your family are all cops.

… though I’ve just discovered that your family is on TikTok. That’s it: your family is on TikTok, and you need to have a chat with them.

… though I’ve just learned that some members of your family are watching a lot of Teal Swan videos on YouTube. You’ve got to get them away from that stuff.

… though I’ve just been told that your family is testifying in court that Donald Trump has committed criminal acts while in office, and nobody cares.

… unfortunately I’ve just been told by my assistant the your family has been chosen to be Dippers flavor testers and it’s chunk week.

… though I’ve just heard that your family lives in Portland.

… though I’ve just been told that your family has been caught up in this college admissions scandal—but unfortunately the college they were admitted to was Trump University.

… though I’ve just learned that Apple has acquired your family, and is doing a limited run series featuring your family, but it is behind a paywall and there is no nudity.

… though I’ve just been informed that a very damaging family secret has been revealed, although I don’t know much about it because all I have to reference is a four-page William Barr letter.

… though I’ve just learned that your family’s been invited on Emperor Palpatine’s vlog, and I don’t think it’s just to talk.

… though I’ve just learned that your family has purchased tickets to a 56-hour movie marathon, but they’re not Marvel movies.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family has seen Sonic’s penis.

… though I’ve just been told that Sally Rooney has written a novel about your family, and it has an extremely unsatisfying ending.

… though I’ve just seen that Tati Westbrook has posted a video about your family and, uh, well, you should have done that vitamin deal with her, that’s all I can say.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family is going on Fox News, and it’s not to bring people together.

… though I’ve just been told that your family has been spotted on Air Force radar, and the orders are shoot to kill.

… though I’ve just discovered a sub-Reddit that’s exclusively for dunking on your family.

… though I’ve just been informed the reason Sarah Huckabee Sanders quit her job was to spend more time with your family.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family color-coordinated with a soda for an Instagram post, but the soda was Surge.

… though I’ve just been sent an email containing deep nudes of your whole family.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family went to dinner at Joann’s, and they ordered the fettucine and alfredo.

… though I’ve just heard that one part of your family believes that Justin Bobby kissed them, while another part of your family says that Justin Bobby didn’t kiss them, and Justin Bobby is chuckling at their immaturity, laughing at their stupidity and just, like, is disregarding their negligence.

… though I’ve just been informed that a startup has discovered a way to vaporize your family, and it’s very cost-effective.

… though I’ve just been informed that the film about your family hunting people for sport has been pulled by Universal pictures.

… though I’ve just discovered that your family is The Family from Netflix, and I think that’s very bad.

… though I understand that your family went to an OA flash mob and hasn’t been heard from since.

… though I’ve just learned that your family’s been cancelled for defending the new SNL cast member, so that’s very bad for them.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family did mess with the Zohan.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family’s love has been switched to a subscription model, and your credit card has been declined.

… though I’ve just read your family’s review of Joker on Rotten Tomatoes and apparently they liked it, so … time to get a new family.

… though I’ve just watched your family testify in front of congress, and I have to say they did a very poor job.

… though I’ve just been informed that there’s a new addition to your family, but it’s strapped to your chest, and it won’t stop crying when you fall over.

… though I just have been told that your family has been taken to a remote location in the bed of a Cybertruck, and I’m not saying it’s Mars, but … it might be Mars.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family is actually a set of Neons, and the demo is not working.

… though I’ve just been informed that your family does not have, and will never have, digital OOH.

… though for some reason your family was packaged up and waiting on your doorstep, and they’ve been stolen by a porch pirate, and we don’t know where they are, or if you’ll ever get them back.

… but if your family lives in America, things aren’t looking that good right now.

… though I’ve just been told that your family is all doing fleets right now and none of them have a Twitter account.

… though I have just been told that your family are actually all cloned from Palpatine. So it’s a situation that I don’t know how anybody can explain, but, you know, that’s where we are.

… and honestly, your family is going to be fine. I’m not saying anything else. Let’s just get through this.

Outros from the “Tomorrow with Joshua Topolsky” podcast